Post Concussion Blues

 It has been a week since I passed out while giving Pyro his shots and rattled my brain. While I'm grateful it wasn't as bad as a prior traumatic brain injury (TBI), it's no fun to be dizzy and off balance, carefully monitoring my brain's stamina level, and avoiding bright lights and loud noises. 

In good news, Pyro is 100% back to his inquisitive, boisterous self.

Most days, if I pace myself well, I'm able to make the daily drive to the stable to muck my stalls. On "bad brain days" my husband drives me and helps with chores. I've only passed one feeding shift at the co-op to another boarder, after I had overdone it the evening prior, but have otherwise been able to keep my scheduled shifts. 

Photo evidence of me "doing too much", aka ground driving Pyro for 5 minutes after watching Jen's driving lesson.

It is clear that this concussion is going to take a while to heal from, and I already lament the lost training time with both horses. (It took 2 years to get to my "new normal" following my original TBI.) I know I should be grateful that it's winter, and I can slow down and appreciate the little interactions without the pressure of an upcoming show or scheduled outing... but I just don't quite feel like myself without the ability to work one on one with my horses. 

The Pinto Party don't seem to mind the vacation.

In order to keep myself occupied, I've done some tack adjustments and maintenance. It's something I can do while sitting in the quiet stable office, soaking in the sounds and smells of the barn. I know all of my bridles were in dire need of the cleaning and conditioning I gave them yesterday.

Pyro's WOW saddle got swapped from a semi-curve tree to a flat tree. I think the shape will work better for him once I'm back in the saddle, but that headplate was a bear to get in place.

Pyro's $free.99 dress up/ground driving harness has gotten several coats of conditioner. While I still don't trust this harness to get put to a cart, the leather now has enough life back in it to work for my purposes. It has soaked up SO MUCH tack butter in the warmth of the heated office.

Blessedly, work has started slowing down for the year as many coworkers take time off for the holidays. My boss is very understanding, and my line of work allows me to work from home (where I can control the light and noise of my surroundings) while taking frequent breaks to keep my brain under threshold. 

The BO dropped off treats for the ponies for Christmas.

The carrots were a hit.

I'm fairly well equipped to deal with this kind of brain injury. I have an understanding of what tires out my brain and that I need to rest preemptively. I have good sunglasses and ear plugs to use when I don't have control over how bright/loud my surroundings are. I've done a lot of vestibular and cognitive therapy, so I know how to exercise my brain in beneficial ways. I have an incredibly supportive husband who is always there for me. In spite of all those truly good things... it still sucks. 

The "office staff" judging me for being whiney.

I have no way of knowing how long it will take me to heal from this concussion, and while I've experienced first hand just how much it CAN heal, I worry about what symptoms might become permanent with future knocks to the head. I'm the first person to say my hobbies are inherently dangerous. It's not a matter of IF I'll fall, but WHEN. I do my best to mitigate the risk by wearing a well-fitted helmet with MIPS when working with the horses and opting out of riding if I don't feel 100%, but I didn't anticipate passing out and falling when giving Pyro a shot. 

Notice the helmet even on the ground. Pyro really settled into the work of ground driving, staying attentive and steady in the contact.

While learning to drive comes with its own risks, these worries about my physical abilities going forward have bumped it up the list of my priorities. If there comes a time when I'm no longer able to balance in the saddle, I want myself and my horses to already be comfortable and confident with driving, as that might still be accessible. Regardless, I should be able to handle ground driving from my own two feet sooner than riding, so it opens an outlet for my need to connect with my horses through work in the short term.

We both have a lot to learn, but I think he'll take to it easily.

I'm constantly trying to focus on the silver linings I find throughout the day, but I'm still struggling with the fact that I couldn't give my horse a shot (even though I didn't have any anxiety going into it) without passing out and giving myself a serious injury. Being back in post concussion syndrome hell has me in the dumps. I know it'll get better, and I'm willing to put in the work to get there, but until then, it has me singing the blues.