CANNONBALL!

 I'm sure it comes as a surprise to no one that I overdid it this past week. 

Wheeeeeee

At the first hint that I was starting to be comfortable with my current level of activity, I decided to go back to my CrossFit gym, help oversee introductions of a new horse to our herd, show my rabbits for the first time since last fall, and TRY to trim a few horses that I regularly do for friends. 

Me, making plans for the week

*sigh* I've been in recovery mode the past couple days, going through the motions of necessary daily activities in a cloud of mental fog, resting as much as I can force myself. Okay brain, I get the memo. Introducing everything all at once hasn't worked before and still doesn't.

Tessa is very supportive of recovery mode.

Obviously, since I'm typing this, I'm beginning to feel "normal" and have cleared most of the brain fog. Huzzah! It will take every bit of my willpower to scale it back a bit this week and find a happy medium of pushing to improve my cognitive stamina while letting myself rest BEFORE my brain is cooked and requires days to recover. This is not an easy thing to feel out. Even with constant self-assessment for how I'm feeling, recovery isn't linear, so it's a bit like trying to hit a moving target to find that "sweet spot" of steady improvement.

How do I coordinate my body again???

That said, I'm SO happy to be at least stepping foot back in my gym again. It's disheartening to see how much strength and coordination I've lost in the past months, but it should come back easier than it was to build in the first place. I was definitely unsteady and a little unsure of my body through some of the more complex, dynamic movements of Wednesday's Olympic Lifting class (as you can see above, losing my balance trying to do a clean with an empty 35lb barbell... when my current PR for that lift is 90lbs), but I was able to unlock that muscle memory to some extent by the end. 

Lots to focus on form-wise, but at least I "found" the clean and jerk without falling on my ass.

I severely underestimated how much the atmosphere of the gym would impact me. The poor acoustics, loud music, barbells dropping to the ground, people moving in my peripheral vision, and fluorescent lighting make it feel like my health points are taking a -5 hit every second I'm exposed to them. 

Where's a health potion when you need one?

You'd think I'd be over it by now, but I'm still very self conscious when it comes to using tools such as earplugs and sunglasses to decrease external stimuli out in public. Additionally, using them inevitably leads to expending more energy as people ask questions and I try to explain myself. Regardless, I donned both in the gym, and they're the only reason I was able to make it through the class. 

Even scaled down to easier/shorter versions of the movements, Monday's WOD was VERY hard work for me. 

I'm clearly going to have to champion for myself as I return to this activity. As is the nature of invisible injuries like a TBI, people look at me and think I'm fine. They remember what I was capable of 3-4 months ago and don't realize how hard just being there is. I'll have to be responsible for making sure exercises are scaled appropriately and asking for accommodations like turning down the music a notch. While all of this causes me no small amount of anxiety, my will to return to "normal" is the driving factor.

Oh to be juggling a strong-willed mare while riding a spicy one

Thankfully, the introduction of our new boarder's horse to the herd has gone as well as such things can. I obsessively watched them while working from the stable office the first day everyone was together, but our new resident Icelandic horse has shown he's the very sensible sort who would rather go find a patch of grass to munch than escalate interactions. Additionally, he and Pyro have a budding friendship that makes my heart so happy. 

Welcome Nykur! (HE'S SO FLUFFY)

We had one day of major, soaking rain, so the herd was kept in to both prevent injuries and preserve our pasture. Despite already being exhausted at that point, I enjoyed letting Miss and Pyro have "recess" in the indoor as much as they did, and Pyro took the opportunity to very politely say hi to his new buddy. 

No squealing, just polite gelding greetings

He CAN lift his withers!

Enrichment included the ball and tarp, which were thoroughly inspected.

Pyro is truly dedicated to the art of poo spots.

Missy: "I brought you into this world..."

"...and I can take you out of it!"

They each also received a brief lunge, a thorough grooming to remove the itchy shedding hair, and restocked stall toys to keep them busy during the boring hours in their stalls. Knowing they were taken care of and happy brought me a lot of peace and happiness.

Pyro gleefully throws his toys around and goes to town on his molasses treat, but Missy prefers to daintily pluck hay from her ball and partake of her Redmond Rock instead of the mint treat spool I offer.

Saturday was my hometown 4-H rabbit club's annual open show they host as a fundraiser. It's the closest rabbit show of the year (an hour drive to the fairgrounds), and I love being able to support a club that was so good to me as a teenager. Add in that I knew my mentors and one of my best friends would also be there showing with me, and it promised to be a fun day. 

Sunglasses: ON
Earplugs: IN
Rabbits: WINNERS

What an added bonus it was to have my rabbits selected for Best of Breed (BOB) and Best Opposite Sex of Breed (BOSB) in the first show, and BOSB in the third. 

This little doe did very well for her first show!

BOB/BOSB were evenly split between myself and my mentors across the three shows. To actually be competitive against them is a BIG step for my herd, and it was so much fun cheering for each other. The only negative of the day was that the show atmosphere took its toll, and my brain figuratively hit a wall during the Best in Show judging. I got my rabbit on the table (unfortunately under a judge that was unlikely to like her), then my friend helped me pack up. I sat in the parking lot, allowing my brain to rest in the peace and quiet, for a while before I felt safe to hit the road. 

Hoosier Hasen's Pumpkin Spice Latte had no trouble relaxing at the show

After getting home safely and unloading, I laid down for a nap, accidentally slept for 4 hours, and woke up in a panic because I STILL HAVE TO MUCK MY STALLS FOR THE DAY. Cue a late night run up to the stable.

Disco blinked at me in annoyance for turning on the lights and disturbing his beauty rest.

*MY* ponies were clearly happy to see me, if confused why I was so late, and proceeded to beg for cookies. 

Even though I don't encourage engaging me with his mouth, he's SO DARN CUTE.

Their pleas were heard, but I made them work for it.

*vacuum noises*

Sunday morning, I woke up feeling... okay. I knew my friends' horses were overdue for trims (we typically keep them on a short 4 week cycle), and I didn't feel bad enough to cancel, just a little tired. (In hind sight, I should've cancelled.) I enjoyed a slow morning, but packed up, drove the hour to their stable, and got through 1.5 out of 4 trims before my brain made me tap out. This was... incredibly frustrating. My heart rate spiked and I got lightheaded every time I stood up (hello Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, aka POTS), and I eventually started struggling to balance and focus. As it's clearly unsafe to be under even the quietest horse when I'm experiencing those symptoms, let alone making sound decisions on their hoof health, I had to stop. Blessedly, my friends are some of the most understanding and supportive people I know, who only want the best for me. We will reschedule for a time to take care of the rest of their horses when I'm feeling better, but at least I took care of the most pressing needs. 

No photos from that day, so here's my very neglected flower bed full of daffodils hinting at the coming spring.

Real talk: I'm not very good at gently easing into this higher activity level, rather than diving headfirst into where I WANT to be. I hate the reminders that I'm still healing. I don't feel like ME when I'm not capable. I feel like a failure when my friends can't depend on me. It would be very easy for me to spiral on thoughts like this (and I have done just that in the past), but I'm trying to give myself some grace, accept the NOW knowing that it's not FOREVER, and appreciate the progress I've made so far.

This week's encouragement.

The good news is my horses are well and happy, I'm feeling better after resting, and the weather is finally looking like spring. I'm hoping to get some saddle time OUTSIDE later this week, but not at the expense of my recovery. Be kind to yourselves, friends, and I'll try to do the same.